Hello! Kitty vs. Oprah Winfrey -”The Hoe Down Throw Down” -Part One (of MANY)…

Hello! Kitty is like the Oprah of the Orient.  And even though Oprah may have better CGI (which surprises me considering that HK is from Japan), Hello! Kitty is arguably more powerful…

She has WMDs…

Yes, that’s what you think it is… A Hello! Kitty nuclear reactor.  Nothing takes the edge off war like a cute pussy wearing a bow.

Here, we have a Hello! Hostage Situation (picture courtesy of Al-Jahzeera).  Is HK making a political statement?  That little nuggety kitten that HK’s holding hostage above (the one who is perpetually saluting Hitler) is the Chinese Lucky Cat, an A-list Chinese kitten and HK’s long-time arch nemesis.

Speculation remains as to whether this act was politically motivated and intended to be anti-communism or anti-China.

I just happen to know the real reason, ’cause HK’s my N-word.  It’s kind of like when Brandy slapped Monica at the VMAs in ’97.  Just two bitches actin’ straight hood… Probably fightin’ over Kim Jong Il, their mutual baby-daddy.

HK, when are you going to learn?  He only wants you for your WMDs…

Actually, since firearms were involved, it’s probably more accurate to compare this celebrity feline beef to the time Biggy shot TuPac.  Imagine if William Hung got all Faith Evans on our asses and came out with an I’ll Be Missing You-esque hit single to commemorate the loss of LC?  like P. Diddy, Mase and the rest of those silly nannies did back in ’97?  That would almost be worth losing a global icon.

I call this one "Hello! Shitty".

OK, so HK has WMDs and a violent temper.  So what?  We’ve all seen Oprah flip out on that guy who wrote that book about his fake miserable life.  And why do you think Gayle doesn’t make an appearance on every show?  Black eyes don’t heal overnight.  And none of us doubts that Oprah either already has, or is just a phone call away from having, a bat cave stocked with WMDs.  So what else have I got to prove that HK is the more gangsta of the two?

This…

Apparently, Hello! Kitty has the ability to influence Hip=Hop sensation Lil’ Wayne’s wardrobe.  LC spread a rumor that, one time, HK gave Lil’ Wayne’s stylist a hand job… in the passenger seat of his Nautica Jeep.

HK’s power and influence doesn’t stop here either.  HK has also erected large statues of herself, which are peppered throughout her country…

Not unlike…

Saddam Hussein.

Sich Heil! Kitty... Was ist los?

Now, at this point you’re probably asking yourself: “Whoa, Tokyo, slow down ol’ gal, let’s back it up for a minute.” And understandably so, because we’ve covered a lot here.  Sometimes I assume that everybody knows as much as I do.  The first area of confusion may arise with respect to that CGI reference I made at the beginning.

Hello! Kitty is a proud supporter of the NRA and the IRA (not the Irish terrorists, silly! The investment vehicle!), and friend of Sarah Palin.

“What was that about CGI?” you ask yourselves?  Oh yes, it’s true.  Oprah Winfrey may as well be Optimus Prime from Transformers. Or a Pixar film about fun, generous walrus from Chicago with a thyroid condition.  Just look at this picture:

Told ya.  Zero animatronics…  100% CGI.  (Gayle might be a Jim Henson Muppet… the jury’s still out on that one).

Oprah’s creators, Dick Cheney, Bill Gates and Satan, thought that people might start to notice that she’s not real.  Fearing a fate something akin to what happened to Aunt Jemima, they had to give her more human qualities.  Being an American icon, what would be more appropriate than giving her a weight problem?  And that’s why she’s fat again… That and her “thyroid” problem.

Yeah, right…

And I’m sure cupcakes, Slim Jims and a lifetime discount at the Hometown Buffet had nothing to do with it.  Misbehaved thyroids don’t make you fat.

“Thyroid” is just a fat person’s code word for TastyKakes and pies.

To Be Continued…